Chris K: Pro-Hater

I already know that....

2007-02-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate.

You know what I really fucking hate.

Auto mechanics and doctors.

Where the fuck do these fuckers get off.
I take my car to the fucking mechanic cause it isnt working.

Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Me: My car wont start.
Mechanic: It will be $150 to tell you whats wrong.

I just told you whats wrong you piece of shit! My fucking car wont fucking start! God Dammit! Listen to me when I talk to you!

Its like when you go into the fucking doctor's office and they tell you that you're sick.

Me: I'm sick doc. I have the flu.
Doctor: Well let me look at you...
doctor looks at me for 5 minutes
Doctor: You have the flu.
Me: No shit doc! That's why I came in here in the first place!
Doctor: Yes. That will be $50.

I will give doctors this; at least they have to go to school for about 235 years before they can do what they do. After that much schooling I may charge people just to bask in my medical brilliance as well.

But mechanics? Don't they go to fucking night school? I mean c'mon! I TOWED my car to the mechanic. They set the car down, IN FRONT OF THE MECHANIC. Then he asks me "What seems to be the trouble?"

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? My CAR is NOT RUNNING! Are you fucking BLIND? I just had that shit towed in here. In front of you. Not to mention the fact I am at a MECHANIC. YOU fucking tell ME what the trouble is dipshit.

Me: My car doesn't work.
Mechanic: I am well aware of that AND I know whats wrong with it, but you have to pay me to tell you. Then I'm gonna rape you on parts and labor. With a big spiked dong. Sound good?
Me: That all sounds good. Would you also break some other shit while you're in there so I can come back in here in about a week and have you piss in my eye a little more?
Mechanic: Can do!
Me: Fantastic!

pro h8er

2006-06-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hey people.

Its been a long time.
I haven't had a whole lot of hate in me lately.
And I certainly don't want to just throw some half-hates out there.
That is a disservice to me and the whole hating community.

But recently a small ball of hate has been building in the depths of my bowels. A hate that has now turned into a rolling boil...in my bowels. A hate so strong that it makes me scream obscenities at everyone I know.

Someone I know: Hey Chris! It's so good to see y-
Me: FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!

What makes this hate even more ironic is that it is brought about by my so called "friends".

"But Chris," you must be saying, "how could you ever speak to your friends in such an abrasive and unpleasant manner?" Well I will tell you.

The whole problem stems from the internet worshiper's holiest of holies: Myspace.

I admit it. I am on Myspace. In fact, I have come to enjoy it quite a bit. Until recently.

It was only a few months ago when the uncontested God of Myspace, Tom, decided, in his infinite wisdom, to allow people to change who they have in their "Top 8". By doing this, I can only imagine his ultimate plan was to destroy any real friendships anyone had.

Still confused? Let me show you how the conversation leading up to the inevitable termination of several friendships would go. The following dialogue takes place between myself and a sensitive asshole I once called a friend in Myspace email.

Sensative Asshole: HEY! How come I'm not in your top 8? :(
Me: Fuck that shit dude. I'm not changing my top 8 cause then people will start getting all bent out of shape when they aren't in it. I'm just gonna leave it.
SA: Yeah. It is kinda stupid that people get upset. :P
Me: No shit! Its a stupid website for Tom's sake!
SA: I hear that...but...could you just put me in the top 8 anyway? I mean...we've known each other for like...ever.
Me: Fucking shit. Fine. You are in the top 8. Happy? So anyway, whats going on this weekend?
SA: DUDE! I'm number 8?!?!! I thought we were friends!
Me: We are friends. Hence your name under "Chris's Friends". And what is the deal with "Chris's"? Don't they know there isn't a fucking "s" after the apostraphe?
SA: Number 8 dude!!!! We've been friends since grade school!!!! I don't rank higher than 8?!?
Me: SEE?!?! This is the shit I was talking about! You are a great friend...IN REAL LIFE! What the fuck difference does it make what fucking number you are on some janky-ass Myspace list?
SA: Seriously man...put me higher.
Me: Fuck you, you sensitive asshole.
SA: I mean it!!!
Me: OOOOOOHHHHH...or what? I won't be your "Myspace Friend" anymore?
SA: You won't be my FRIEND anymore!
Me: What the fuck?!?! Are you serious you fucking psycho? Well guess what? Now you aren't in my top 8 at all!!! How do you like that "friend"?
SA: You know what? CRAM IT! I fucking hate you! I don't ever want to talk to you again! Oh, and by the way, wanna know what the plans are for the weekend? DOIN' YOUR MOM, FUCKFACE!!!! EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!
Me: OH YEAH? WELL IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO DO MY MOM WHILE YOU ARE TIED UP IN A BURLAP SACK BEING BEATEN WITHOUT MERCY! THAT'S RIGHT JERK-WAD! I'M GONNA DO THAT! TO YOU!!!!!

So you see, kids, the "Top 8" idea is not the creation of benevolent internet God. Which can only mean one thing: Tom is a vengeful, malicious internet God. There is only one way to deal with those types of Gods. That is to tie them up in a burlap sack and beat them without mercy. I have the sack...do you?

Things I hate about Paris besides the French.

2006-01-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

Hey all.

I know there hasn't been any hate lately. I've been busy with Christmas and New Year's and my son's b-day. Sorry.

I have a DOOZIE of a hate today though. One that has been festering in the back of my mind for months...NAY, YEARS! So get ready for this one:

PARIS MOTHER FUCKING HILTON

There are so many things to hate about this uppity bitch that my brain is practically exploding right now trying to think of what to hate first. So lets start with recent events.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/05/people.paris.hilton.ap/index.html

The headline is "Paris Hilton accused of vicious lies". Are you fucking kidding me? This is breaking news on cnn.com? This actually ranked higher on the news page than a story about a commuter train that derailed in Washington D.C.! Does anyone really give a fuck about this bitch?

Johnny Interview: "Hey Paris, what do you attribute your success too?"
Paris MF Hilton: "That's Hot."
Johnny Interview: "That is indeed your catchphrase and America loves it. So is that where your stardom really began?"
Paris MF Hilton: "That's Hot."
Johnny Interview: "Yes. Yes it is. Has your incredible wealth added or subtracted to your public image?"
Paris MF Hilton: "That's Hot."
Johnny Interview: "It's true that money can be very hot indeed."
Paris MF Hilton: "I was in a porno."
Johnny Interview: "Yes."
Paris MF Hilton: "That's Hot."

HOLY ISLAMIC FONZIE! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ROBOTIC BITCH! Being a skinny whore with no brains and less vocabulary shouldn't make you famous, IT SHOULD MAKE YOU HOMELESS. Instead we have to be subjected to this waste of skin in movies and fucking television and always in the fucking news. Did anyone even see House of Wax? For the love of GOD, she couldn't even make the porno entertaining. SHE STOPPED TO TALK ON THE PHONE!

Johnny Porno: "You like it rough, don't you..."
Paris MF Hilton: "That's Hot."
Johnny Porno: "Oh yeah...it's hot alright..."
*Ring Ring*
Paris MF Hilton: "Hold on...Hello?"
Susie Phonecall: "Hi Paris, what are you doing?"
Paris MF Hilton: "Lame Porno to sell on the internet."
Susie Phonecall: "That's Hot."
Paris MF Hilton: "That's Hot."

No, Paris. No it is not.

So-Cal...So-Fake...

2005-12-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

I hate bitches.
And by bitches I mean rude people.
And by people I mean women.
And by women I mean women in Southern California.
AKA: bitches.

90% of the women in So-Cal that were RAISED here fall into this category. Let me give you an example.

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a woman with a very cool skull t-shirt on. This is how the scene plays out.

Guy: Hey. Nice shirt.
Girl: (makes really horrible nasal sound indicating that she is turned off by this comment)
Guy: Uh, OK. That shirt sucks?
Girl: FUCK YOU! I paid $65 for this shirt so that it would look like I got it in a thrift store! Where did you get your shirt, loser?
Guy: Ummmm, a thrift store...
Girl: Don't talk to me you cheap fuck...

At this point, que the 10-foot-tall-male-model-surfer-type to walk over to this same girl. The converstion then continues on like this.

Johnny So-Cal: Hey bitch. You look like a dumb slut. I surfed a double-overhead wave today. It was hella gnarly.
Girl: What's 2 plus 2?
Johnny So-Cal: I'm not real sure, but I have this surf watch made out of styrofoam that cost me $600. Wanna buy me a drink, slut?
Girl: I love you.
Johnny So-Cal: (to Guy) Beat it, bro.

What can we learn from this exchange? Here is a list:
1. People rasied in So-Cal generally know more slang for surfing than anyone else on the planet.
2. They often DON'T know how to carry on a conversation that does not include the terms "surf", "bro", or...well that's it really.
3. Complimenting a So-Cal women, even if you are being genuinely nice and NOT trying to pick them up, is pointless.
4. UNLESS you surf and are prepared to treat them like shit, then they love you.
5. I don't understand Southern California.
6. I still hate the previously mentioned "bitches".

Can you hear me NOW?

2005-12-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

Cell phones.
Every one has one.
If you don't have one in this day and age you are either really old, a loser, or you have no friends. Or some combination there of. Don't kill the messenger, folks. I just tell it like it is.

So. That being said, I have a cell phone. I can call people on it and people can call me. It pretty much does all its supposed to. Or so you would think. This is the part where I tell you about the stuff I hate.

There I am, walking through the mall and thinking about stuff like Christmas and presents, looking in shop windows, and generally wondering what presents my friends will get me for Christmas and from which shops and if their presents will be adequate enough for me to still call them friends after I recieve them. When out of nowhere comes a strange voice.

The voice says, "HEY! Have you seen this?"
In my head I think "Gee, I'm not sure. I guess I better check it out..."
So I look.

Suddenly I have this guy in my face holding what appears to be my cell phone telling me how great it is. The guy says "HEY BRO! Check out this new cell phone its the bomb diggity son and you can call people with it and people can call you and it takes pictures and has voice recognition and if you get it wet it will multiply isn't it the coolest shit you've ever seen if you don't get it you are just a really old loser who has no friends!!!"

CHRIST ON A CRACKER! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE! I was just minding my own business when you jumped out of the fucking woodwork and tried to sell me shit I don't need!
So I say to Johnny Cellphone "OH FUCK! Thanks asshole! You made me spill my Orange Julius to try to sell me the phone I already have."

Johnny: "But do you have the A SERIES?"
Me: "Yes."
Johnny: "With the COLOR SCREEN?"
Me: "YES."
Johnny: "AAAAANNNND the detachable nacho cheese melter???"
Me: "Yes Johnny. That's the one."
Johnny: "Do you have our service plan?"
Me: "Why I believe I do."
Johnny: "..."
Me: "Okey Dokey. Thanks for wasting my time and.."
Johnny: "That phone SUCKS!!!"
Me: "...Excuse me?"
Johnny: "That phone is SOOO LAST WEEK! You need THIS one! It will actually call people for you and carry on conversations with them so YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!! PLUS, its so thin its as flimsy as a piece of paper! Check it out! IT'S SEXY!!!"

YOU FUCKING DOUCHE-NOZZLE!! You just wasted my time by trying to sell me my own phone and now you want to sell me another one cause you want to make a quick buck. Look, I'm sorry you work on commission you talentless fuck, but harassing people is not a skill. It is an offense that is punishable by LAW. The only reason I even looked your direction is because I thought you were going to show me something that I truly hadn't seen.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON'T try to get my attention by pretending to be my friend or interested in something about me.

Johnny: "HEY BUDDY! Nice belt buckle! Where did you get it?"
Me: "At the kiosk next to yours you fucking charlatan."

Long story short: If I want a phone I will come to YOU. I am not in such dire need of social validation that I need a new fucking phone every 2 months. And for that matter, people that DO need that kind of validation will come to you as well. So just shut the fuck up. The only thing you have managed to accomplish is make me paranoid to talk to ANYONE in the mall.

My friend: "Hey Chris, have you seen this movie that just came out on dvd?"
Me: "..."
My friend: "Chris? Buddy?"
Me: "I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONES, ASSWAD!!!!!"
My friend: -goes into cardiac arrest

Guest Hater: Neko

2005-12-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Here's some hate we can ALL get behind...

Ka Ka Mouth…

I know there are various terms to describe this (which is another hate that I’ll get to some other time) but it drives me up the wall when people talk just to be talking. I’m not talking about a conversation or a group of people just having fun, I mean when it’s wasting my fucking time! Specifically in meetings when people feel that they NEED to say something when in reality, they don’t, and they shouldn’t. Moderator: “Well, I guess this meeting is over if no one has any more questions…” … ASSHOLE: “Actually I’d like to say a bunch of bullshit that relates to the topic but adds nothing to the outcome of the meeting and should probably be taken off line or in another meeting, but I’ll say it now so that no one forgets about me or by chance someone is impressed by me and I improve my chances at a promotion.” This kind of talk not only wastes everyone’s time, but it often confuses the fuck out of people and it can even make things worse than they already are. Shut the hell up, I want to kill you.

- Neko

Guest Hater: Lopes

2005-12-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

Today, for your reading pleasure, I give you the considerable hate of our Guest Hater: Lopes...

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk...
Yeah ok, so if you have not heard this monstrosity of a song yet let me take a minute to...Oh what's that you ask? Honky Tonk Badonkadonk is actually the name of a SONG? Really?
Yes really thanks to that no talent redneck prick of a Country/Singer songwriter...Adkins Trace! HEY ADKINS YOU SUCK! Who the hell in this world allowed you to take urban slang, and mesh it with your whiskey drinkin', wife-beatin', dog gettin' hit by a pick-up truck Country shit music? WHO I ask cause it sure as hell wasn't me and God help me if I ever find the individual that did! Rap music sucks and Country music sucks. How could you think that by mixing the two you would get something that doesn't suck? What Mr. Trace has accomplished here is the equivelant to taking candy corn and circus peanuts, melting them down and forging a candybar.......a candybar that sucks!!!
So...for those who have not heard this song or seen the video I will tell you that first of all, consider yourself blessed. I truely believe that once people start to witness this completely and utterly disgusting excuse for a musical recording, the attempted suicide rate will increase tenfold in this country and drug abuse will skyrocket to a level never before thought possible...I mean if this is what is considered to be entertainment well...we might as well start firing off the nukes and get this Armageddon thing a rollin'!

Lopes

I've got your tip right HERE...

2005-12-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

Tip (noun): an award (as for meritorious service) given without claim or obligation

Interesting, huh? This definition would suggest that "tipping" is done when the "tipper" feels the "tippee" has earned it, but is by no means necessary. I understand the concept of the "tip".
If a waiter/waitress does a good job at serving you, you are supposed to leave them a tip. This way, they are inclined to continue to provide excellent service. But what if they don't provide service?

I was at a restaurant the other day and I was about to leave the traditional 15% tip after the meal. The service wasn't great, but it was adequate. My friends, however, informed me that I should leave a 25% tip.

"What the fuck!? 25%!? He didn't slaughter the cow himself, he just carried the fucking plate out to me!!!"

I was then subjected to a lecture about how fucking waiters and waitresses don't make a lot of money and they rely on tips to get by. Well thats fucking great. Just because Johnny No-Talent doesn't have the good sense to get some training for a job that pays him better, I have to support his ass by paying for services I didn't receive.

And what does Johnny learn from this? He learns that no matter what he does he will still get the same amount of money. If he carried my food between his ass-cheeks and then went "Lord of the Dance" on my privates he would get the same as if he actually did his job. And thats ANOTHER thing: WAITING on people is a WAITER'S fucking job. If you didn't want to WAIT on someone, don't be a fucking WAITER! It's not my responsibility to pay you for doing your job, it's the manager's. If you refill my beer before I'm sucking down suds, you get a tip. If you take away my plate as soon as I'm done, you get a tip. If you make me wait 30 minutes before you finally come over and offer me my bill then another 30 before you bring me my change, NO FUCKING TIP!

I think our Guest Hater Wanker ties it all up in a neat package with this:
The thing about tipping is, the more someone bitches at me to leave a generous tip, the less tip I actually feel like leaving. If I don't feel like leaving a tip, I won't. I don't succumb to the imperialist dogma and auto-inclusion of tip because I don't like the assumption that the service was worth a flying fuck.

Guest Hater - Street Legal Lu

2005-12-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

We have a special treat for you today.
This is a rant from one of our guest haters - Street Legal Lu
enjoy...

Sorry for me being so greedy Mr. Affleck!

The other night I was watching my usual dosage of brain dead T.V. when the most curious of commercials appeared. It was a simple commercial featuring every 15 year olds heart throb Ben Affleck. I was about to change the channel when I heard him say something about how pirating movies was taking money out of the hands of the little people who contribute to making a movie. Set designers, grips, costume designers, gaffers… He went on to scold me about how it wasn’t hurting him but it was taking food out of the mouths of the countless pee-ons that beckon to his every whim while he refuses to get his ass onto the set until a bowl of green M and M’s is delivered to his trailer! Well, I have a message for Mr. Affleck… How about you ask for a couple million less on the next crappy movie you get over paid to do and share that with all the poor souls that you’re so concerned about! You don’t even realize what a condescending jerk face you look like when you’re doing this commercial. You sound so Antoinette… “Let them eat cake…”! Here is a better idea speaking of the French revolution… why don’t all the little people that you are asking me to care about rise up and knock your arrogant, rich butt off your throne and take all your millions of dollars that are being misappropriated on your talentless self. Heck, we could take another few million that you were going to steal from your next movie and feed have of Africa. You might even create some purpose for your life outside of getting engaged and dumped by every chick in Hollywood right before checking into your umpteenth rehab center that the “poor little people” could never afford. Why stop there… why not grab your boyfriend Matt Damon and redistribute some of his unearned millions as well. Maybe we can start a revolution that reminds the poor working class saps that sow your costumes, do your makeup and fetch your caramel machiato’s that you are a grossly over paid pig and should have your millions of dollars reduced to a fair, comparable rate like them.
I can see it now… “General public wakes up and realizes that rich celebrities are grossly over paid and demand their money” it would read on the cover of the Los Angeles Times.
Oh what a wonderful world it would be. Then Mr. Affleck wouldn’t have to get on T.V. and ask me to help support the countless “behind the scenes” people that he treats like crap and rips off every stinking movie.
I leave you now with a quote that Ben and all his cronie rich friends who get paid millions to “act” should read and learn from…

“Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.”

Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

Hey Hollywood celebs… Long live the movies!!!!

Read the signs...

2005-11-30T18:01:00.000-08:00

So.
Ever go to a fast food restaurant for lunch and find yourself in a line.
Of course you have.
So you wait in line for about 15 minutes behind decrepit old men and people ordering for about 150 of their coworkers. Then, finally, there is only one more person in front of you. That person gets to the register and the friendly cashier says, "How can I help you today kindly sir and/or madam?" Then this shit-flake proceeds to rub their brow and say "UUUUMMMMM, hold on a sec..."

Hold on a sec? HOLD ON A SEC? I just spent the last 15 minutes of my life behind you and I managed to read the menu sign, figure out what I want, figure out what I have to do when I get back to work, figure out what I have to do after work, count the 126 dandruff flakes sitting on the shoulders of your cheap suit jacket, and make a list of the reasons I'm glad I'm not you! (Which, in case you were wondering, is: A. You have really bad dandruff and B. You have a cheap suit)

What the fuck were you doing for the last 15 minutes? Cause you SURE as hell weren't improving your personal grooming. The sign is RIGHT FUCKING THERE! LOOK AT IT YOU ASSHOLE!

Then when shit-flake DOES decide to look at the sign he says shit like "What comes on the chicken sandwich?"...you gotta be fucking kidding me. CHICKEN, YOU ASSHOLE! CHICKEN IS ON THE CHICKEN SANDWICH!

"White or Wheat sir and/or madam?"..."Ummmmm..."

Do you expect me to believe that you don't know whether you like white or wheat bread better? PICK ONE ASSHOLE!

"What condiments would you like on your sandwich sir and/or madam?"..."Ummmmmm..."

Fuck this. I'm skipping lunch...

Check out my pair of AssFace Jeans...

2005-11-29T11:31:00.000-08:00

Hate is a strong word and should not be thrown about lightly.
That being said - I hate designer brand jeans.

Yeah Yeah. I can hear you all now. "C'mon Chris! These designer jeans make me look good and members of the opposite sex will think I'm cool cause of how much money I spent on them! I'm hip!"

OK. Let me clear a few things up for you...

1. Designer jeans dont make you look any better than regular jeans. In fact, jeans don't make you look good at all. Either you look good or you don't. Sorry to break it to all the ugly people out there.

2. It is true that members of the opposite sex may think you are cool because of how much money you spent on your jeans. And if that is the kind of person you are trying to attract then you are both souless corporate whores and you deserve each other.

3. You are not "hip".

AND while I am on the subject, what is the fucking deal with jeans that are "pre-faded" and "pre-worn" and "pre-fucked-up-and-you-bought-em-sucker". I remember being a kid and actually wearing a hole in my jeans. My mom would sew a patch on em and I would go out and continue playing. Then the kids would make fun of me cause I had old jeans. Now some assholes actually PAY to have this done to their clothing BEFORE they even GET them.

So here's my solution. Everyone who wants these expensive-ass jeans just call me. Tell me what you want. THEN, I will go get a pair of jeans for 20 bucks, have my dog chew holes in em, let the guys at my office wipe their ass with em, then sell em to you for the low-low price of 500 samolians. They're called AssFace Jeans. I hear they are "hip" this season...

Which one of those buttons calls your mom to pick you up...

2005-11-28T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well.
It was quite the festive holiday weekend.
Like a lot of people, after I was done stuffing my greedy maw with turkey, I went and saw a movie. Which brings me to today's target of hate: People who don't like the NEW Star Wars movies better than the OLD Star Wars movies and won't shut the fuck up about it.

OK. I get it. You loved the old Star Wars movies. You had the blow-up Princess Leia and matching Han Solo jock strap. Great. You were a kid. We were all kids. Star Wars was COOL.
TODAY'S Star Wars could NEVER live up to the ORIGINALS, right? RIGHT?

Right. Except that kids today like em. Just like kids back then liked em. And maybe thats because they are MADE FOR KIDS, YA FUCKIN RETARD!!!! Nobody gives two shits if you think Jar-Jar Binks is stupid or racial or the source of all that is wrong with the world. Its a fucking movie you jerkwad. And you know what else? Dressing up like Darth Asswipe and reciting lines from Episode 15: Revenge of the Fan Fiction DOESN'T give you the right to chew my fucking ear off about how inconsistant the NEW Star Wars movies are with the OLD story. I don't give a fuck.

And can I ask you this: if you hated Episode 1 so much, why did you go back and see Episode 2 and 3? Who's the jackass now? "Well, I didn't like Episode 1 or 2 but I'm sure George read the 2000 letters and web petitions I sent him about how the FANS think Episode 3 should end cause we think -" SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! The fans are the kids. YOU, my involuntarily celibate friend, are an adult. At least in appearance.

Now, take off your vinyl hooded cloak, put down your plastic lightsaber, move out of you mother's basement and grow up. Or die. Either way I don't have to listen to you anymore.

Thanks for the Turkey

2005-11-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

Alright.
So since I'm starting this blog the day before Thanksgiving, I think I will begin with a holiday-themed hate session.
Let's start with people who eat Tofurky. What the fuck is wrong with these ass-clowns. I'm so sick of listening to every anal-retentive animal rights nut and whacked-out hippie talking about how it's mean to kill and eat a turkey. As if the turkey had such a great life before it was in the oven. Runnin around like an idiot. A FLIGHTLESS bird. That right there is a joke. It basically amounts to an ugly animal without the use of arms and some extra nasty skin hangin off its chin. I'm pretty sure when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock the Indians didn't take some beans and pack em in the shape of food and offer that up as the best their land could offer. Thanksgiving gives turkys purpose. End of discussion.